Last week, we put Bachelorette parties on full blast. Due to our hard-hitting post (or mere coincidence), two tour companies in the city have banned these banshee parties from their tours! We would like to thank Nash Trash and Music City Rollin’ Jamboree tours for heeding our advice and taking a stand against these festering parties. If you missed our article on Bachelorette parties, there is a link at the bottom.
This week we are going to examine the worst tourist trap in all of Nashville: The Pedal Tavern. If you are unfamiliar with these tours, then consider yourself lucky. However, if you live in or around Nashville, or have even visited for a weekend, you have seen these crappy, ridiculous tourist traps filled with drunk idiots or worse; Bachelorette parties.
I can understand how a naïve tourist may see a Pedal Tavern go by and think, “Hey, that looks like fun, let’s try it.” Hey, Idiot! Don’t do it! And I’ll tell you why.
The Pedal Tavern is hailed to be the best pedal tour of Nashville/ pub crawl/ most annoying mosquito of the tour mobiles. They take their patrons on riding tours that you are allowed to drink on.
First of all, this crap is expensive! A private group is anywhere from $325 on a weekday to $440 on the weekend. These private parties are required to put a deposit down of $100 on top of the fee. If you’re a lonely loser and want to give it a try, then you can hop aboard for the low price of 38 dollars. (You’re going be that weird, awkward creep at the hibachi table with that family of four.) I know what you are thinking. “Well, that’s not that bad for a two-hour tour with alcohol.” Oh yeah, by the way, it’s also B.Y.O.B. So, hope you have enough cheddar in the bank to afford a sixer after being highway robbed on the booking fee.
Honestly, whoever invented the Pedal Tavern should win the “Swindlers of the Year” award for a decade straight. Bernie Madoff would be so proud.
Either that, or their customers spend a lot of time licking windows, and pushing doors that say “Pull.”
Secondly, you look absolutely pathetic. Grown men and women pedaling around the city cheering, and “whoohoo’ing” like drunk college girls are annoying. Especially when you are actively being a narcissistic attention seeking _____! Do you really expect people to be proud of you for drinking on a bike? Honestly, I’ve been drinking on a bike all by myself since I was like 7. You don’t see me yelling at normal people on the street, hoping they affirm my “accomplishment.”
And while we are on the topic of cheering, why the hell do you think everyone outside on a patio around town wants you to yell at them? They don’t. People sitting out on the patio of a restaurant eating dinner do not want you to yell at them! Would you like it if I kicked in your front door at 7 PM while hammered drunk, stumbled my way to your dining room table, and gave you the most obnoxiously loud “woohoo!” right down your eardrum, and then stumbled my way right back out your front door? No, you wouldn’t. No one willfully agrees to unmitigated hell.
Everyone on the patio is praying that you fall off as you go by.
Personally, I believe that these pedal tavern companies should be ripped down and burned by ALL three dragons from Game of Thrones.
We could take these devil contraptions to the top of Broadway, load them up with the heftiest morons who are intellectually deficient enough to pay for this tour, cut the brake lines, and set them rolling down to the Cumberland River! I’d pay for an overpriced drink on lower Broadway to spectate that glorious event. Hell, I’d even help pass out flyers to promote. “This Weekend, Dunk-a-Drunk!”
If you really want to have fun with these morons, get a group of your friends, and camp out on a patio that they roll by frequently. As they roll by and start cheering at you, reply in unison with: “Booooo!!!”. Boo them until they are out of earshot. Boo them until they stop cheering. They will have a befuddled look on their face, realizing that not everyone thinks they’re cool for getting drunk on a bike.
Then go get another round, and wait for the next one.
P.S. The same goes for the Sprocket Rocket, double! (The Sprocket Rocket is the ugly redheaded stepchild to the Pedal Tavern.)
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Reasons to Boo Bachelorette Parties.